Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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