When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
