She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
