his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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