there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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