i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Randomize
