Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
