he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
