9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
