I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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