the condom got lost in my hair
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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