Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
