yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
