I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
