Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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