Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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