I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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