I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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