Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
