CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
