The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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