Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
