By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
