that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
