i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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