Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
