I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I love you. Go after that dick
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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