so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
