seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
