Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
