I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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