my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
