after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
