this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
