Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
