I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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