then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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