Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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