We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
