Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
