The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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