i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
