you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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