Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
