I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
