Rock
Scissors
Fuck
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
All I want is dick and wine.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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