Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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