I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
