I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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