I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
