dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
