My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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